holding pattern

The new job began last week. I had been thinking of this time as now my holding pattern. But when I looked up what the term actually means, it's not really true. I am not circling around the air waiting to land or to arrive at my next destination. In a sense, I don't need to be looking for the next "good" thing or step to give me meaning and joy while I work. Work of some sort will always be a part of my life.  But since I am not interested in a better title, there it is.

upside: good badge picture!

disclaimer: this gets into the icky bits of my heart, read at your own discretion


So new job. Who doesn't love being the new person? I am very much a prideful person with huge expectations of perfection and very little grace for myself if the perfection is not met. Today, I just discussing the inward sinful stuff, but I am sure that has massive implications on how I could use some sanctification on my outward relationships as well. (Just ask Davis) Anyways, I am terribly hard on myself and new job especially bring about much anxiety. I am constantly worried about how I am perceived and therefore criticize myself for every little thing. This can also turn into being very defensive and hiding behind walls of pride and insecurity, trying to preserve this pride. Nursing, in a new position more so, is about the perfect storm for my sinful insecurities and pride. One being, patients are watching and have expectations spoken and unspoken about what I am capable of doing. Two, employers are watching and have expectations spoken and unspoken about what I am capable of doing. Three, doctors and other order-giving care providers are watching and have expectations spoken and unspoken about what I am capable of doing. And finally, I have expectations spoken and unspoken about what I am capable of doing and I cannot like myself or have satisfaction and confidence in my job if there are any mistakes or room for improvement. There are only a million big and little things to need to be completed perfectly at any moment.

Hello, I am a ball of pride and stress living in impossible.

No human is awesome enough to be without mistakes.

My new job is fairly straight forward and has not been terribly hard to catch on so far with my previous experience to help. But everyday I feel nearly crippled with this mindset. This is no new struggle for me. School, tests, performances, sports and so on.  How could I not desire and look forward to the next "good" thing when daily I struggle finding joy in work and feel so much pressure? Now, I like to have things to do. Also,  I do actually love nursing, it's so rewarding but so incredibly hard mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  It is also a means of God revealing grace to me by challenging this deep rooted sin I have where I try to find my worth is myself and abilities, apart from God. There is only joy and grace from God when you know your worth is from Him independent of anything you can do. From myself, I give only condemnation, fear, anxiety, and self loathing.

Yucky yuck.

laying in the park sunday, getting distance from work

Sunday, we walked to a nearby park. Lying in the grass, I thought about this mess I live with and the sermon from the morning. Why is it so hard to live a life marked by joy? Because we rarely are resting and trusting in God's love. It's our sin nature, always at battle in our hearts. We struggle against trying to be god of our perceived universe. It is our default. It is this side of glorification sin mode. I always feel like I should do something about this and fix it. Trying to take control again, see what I did there? It is definitely not resting and trusting in God's love. I am praying for joy and peace that comes only by resting and trusting in God's love. I am no theologian and I surely wrestle daily with these sins. I am thankful God is infinitely bigger in every way than my woes. I'll be honest, driving into work today was a big long string of slightly intelligible prayers to find joy in Christ.

my family :)

It also helps to have these two handsome/cute cheerful creatures around. So, that probably wasn't what you thought/wanted to read about my job and current happenings. But there it is.

Quick details: my job is a same day surgery unit in a hospital and I work PRN for pre-op and post-op. so far, I am being trained in post-op. No weekends, nights, or holidays!


So now, the honeymoon/adventure part of the move is over. It is hard to think we are settling in and trying to make this more like home. Finding joy in our daily and mundane lives.



ps. if this doesn't have much clarity I apologize, my heart and it's outpourings are quite messy