6 weeks and some extra thoughts

Eden has reached the 6 weeks mark. It definitely seems like time is flying, though in the daily moments of short naps and constant feedings, time seems to slow. I am happy to report Eden has slept through the night TWICE this week, although not consecutively. I am not anticipating this to become a habit yet. Normally she wakes only once between 2-4am. But there is much still rejoicing in the Ware house over her night sleep. Napping however, she could learn a thing or two. She has very short, unpredictable, and infrequent naps during the day.

happy morning faces

Eden surprises us with her strength. She is quite good at the push up when we are holding her. Also, she is pretty good with her neck and can hold her head up for awhile. She seems more sturdy as she loses that floppy but adorable newborn baby physique.

Ingrid assisting with the challenge of tummy time

Eden has had many visitors in her short life. Griz and Grammie (my parents), Susu (Davis' mom), and Aunt Saysay (Sarah, my sister) have come to love on her. Next weekend we'll have Colorado friends in town for a wedding. It's been busy here!

lots of snuggle time

Becoming a mother has made me begin to examine my own heart more closely. I have desires for the type of lady I hope Eden becomes. But I realize much of who she is shaped by how she is raised and the example set by her parents and the people she spends the most time with. Lately it seems there is increasing violence, hate and brokenness in our world. I'm not debating if things are worse now than they have been in the past. What I am realizing is I carry so much sin unrepentant sin and idolatry in my own heart. I  do not love my neighbors as myself. I fall so short of this.

"And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ ³¹ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.” 

Mark 12:30-31

I desperately need to see that the problem is in my own heart not just the people who are out there doing what we consider "the bad things".  None of these problems will ever be addressed unless everyone individually recognizes the depth and pervasiveness of sin in their own hearts and asks for repentance and cleansing. I need to do this openly and regularly with a broken and contrite heart asking God to help me see people and the world the way He does. Full of love.  If I desire my children to love and obey the Lord, they need to see that sort of repentance from me. But I don't need to be motivated by the desire to have good children. It's easy to turn this into "just make a habit to act Godly and fake some apologies and wiggle my nose to magically have good kids". I want and need for myself to see the brokenness that is in my heart and cry out for help. I want for my daughter to see this in her own heart as well. I want our family to be built on the hope of Jesus Christ and nothing else. Oh God help us to repent and believe. It is only by your saving grace can we love and live as we ought, enjoying and basking in the freedom you purchases by blood for us.

Disclaimer, I typed most of this one handed (man, I am thankful for learning how to type properly back in the day) while holding a sleeping baby. Eden naps better on people. It's sweet but also really cuts into productive time :). Point is, if there are lots of typos I apologize!

sweet sleeping baby

38 weeks

38 Weeks.

Well, we made it to 38 weeks. Two weeks to the official due date but I won't be sad to have an April baby instead of May. It's been a good week with crazy weather. On Tuesday, we had a massive wind storm that blew dust and dirt all over the valley. It was about 75 degrees at lunch time. Then later it started raining, essentially mud falling from the sky. By dinner time it was snowing. Wednesday it snowed all day long. I assume our biggest snow storm for the season, a very pathetic winter. Now it's all melted again and we will be back in the high 60s this weekend.  But enough about the weather.

So, yeah, 38 weeks! At the beginning, this time seemed forever away.  But here we are! We installed the base of the car seat last weekend in my car. We also cleaned out vacuumed, and washed my car. This I do about twice a year. So baby will have a nicer car ride home. The nursery is basically finished even though baby will sleep in our room for some time while feedings are more frequent. Our last childbirth education class was this past Wednesday night, now we know EVERYTHING about babies and birthing babies. Not really, but it was helpful. My work and Davis' work have each provided a lunch celebration for baby Ware. Ingrid gets told regularly that she has to get ready to be the big fur sister soon. She doesn't get it but that is no surprise. I am sure their relationship will really take off when we come to the "drop the food on the floor/food in all the baby rolls" phase. It's started to sink in a little more of the beautiful, immense responsibility God has given us with this life. We really have no idea what will happen in our lives or in our child's life, but there is a peace that transcends my fears when I remember God is sovereign. We don't even know if we are having a boy or girl yet. There is still a ton of stuff on our registry I feel like we "need". I've never been a parent before. We've never had to the multitude of new tasks that come with being parents. There is just so much but God is present and will provide moment by moment all our needs. And I am really having to ask God to help me believe this is true.

We terrified but over joyed at all the things coming up with having a baby. I do know there will be times we are overwhelmed, doubtful, fearful, and despairing. I read the other day the best way to remember and lean on God's sovereignty is to be thankful in all things. I've been trying to lately catch myself in mid-grumble and try to give thanks instead. Also, we are totally open to all the free parenting advice available. :)

So, what do y'all think? Boy? Girl? Early? Late? Chunky? Lean? Let me know!

slow summer mornings

summer morning spread on the front porch

One of the sweetest things in life to me is a slow summer morning. Breakfast on the porch with journal, bible, book and coffee. Yep, I did take another picture of food. This gluten-free seed bread is seriously amazing. But that's not why I am writing nor why I am not writing more about Europe. The past few days, God has really been renovating my heart. Anytime I have these major moments where it seems my heart can all the sudden see more clearly, I get this sensation that I can only describe as "my heart is exploding". One of the more memorable times this has happened was in Africa six years ago. Often times these unveilings are nothing new to people, I just take extra time to get things. Then I forget and need reminding.

(so, to warn you, it's long)

I have finally gotten around to reading  a book my older brother gave to me for Christmas years ago. It's not big or hard to read, I just haven't read it yet. No legit excuses here. The book is pictured above. As I am reading this, I am thinking "yes! I so badly want this to be a reality in my life and community" and "why isn't this a reality?" and "how can I make this a reality"... you know the good kind of book that points out areas of improvement and inspire you. I don't want to just summarize the book, I am honestly still chewing on the content and have yet to finish the final chapter.
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Just a few thoughts they stood out to me from the book:

"Every good movement inspires each individual to make sacrifices for the greater good. Every good movement invites people into something greater than themselves- something they would not be foolish to sacrifice everything for. Jesus said, "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it" (Matt 13:45-46). I believe the ministry of reconciliation is about calling people to give everything for God's vision of a church where we love one another across society's dividing lines. "
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" The existence of a compelling Christian witness in our time does not depend on our access to the White House, the size of our churches or the cultural relevance of our pastors. It depends, instead, on our ability to sing better songs with our lives. True conversion is always personal, but it is never solely about the individual who experiences God's love and knows the good news of salvation. True conversion is about learning to sing songs in which our life harmonizes with others'- even the lives of those least like us- and swells into a joyful and irresistible chorus."
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"To preach the gospel of Jesus Christ today, we've got to invite people into authentic relationships where they can be restored to a beloved community and work for the common good. The economist say that self-preservation is the first law of human nature, but I don't believe it. It's just not true. The most basic human instinct is to protect your children- to give yourself to something greater than yourself. We've been so dehumanized by this world's system that we think it's natural to live for ourselves alone. But it's not. God wants to restore us to the authentic relationships we were made for. That's what reconciliation is all about."
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I am getting a little crazy here. I want to just post the whole book to read. The point is, this book helping me see that my vision of the church and God's work on earth is so small and self seeking. I am often times more concerned about my opinions and my way than I am for the gospel. In fact, rarely am I living for God's glory. This book has stirred a desire in my heart, a longing I felt but couldn't put my finger on it. It is what I often have tried to articulate how I think the church should function and yet seems so very very far from it with me as part of the problem. God's plan for the work of the church on earth is beautiful restoration and to display his good and gracious character. Mine is so often been about myself.

Yesterday was Pentecost. I honestly haven't been in many church that have emphasized Pentecost. What comes to mind is speaking all sorts of languages and fire. Yesterday at church, our Pastor talked about that some but also about holiness. This idea of holiness was an arrow to the heart. I have almost exclusively thought of holiness as me making myself better, separating my self from sin, and in doing so I can be more holy (perfect) like God. God is the only holy one. I need to work on my holiness. The church post Jesus ascension is called to be a holy nation. This holiness is not to make ourselves superior or better than others. It is holiness that comes through Christ alone that moves us towards humanity because it is displaying God's character to the world. Holiness declares God's glory to everyone and every situation. This sort of holiness does not divide, it draws us to God and allows us to be transformed that our lives reflect God's holy character. I had never, to my knowledge, heard of holiness discussed in this way. It takes my life, my actions, my sense of needing to earn something and turns it upside down. The idea that holiness is attractive, uplifting, inspiring and doesn't disappoint or divide and is not about man blows my mind.

I think this idea of holiness is helping me see how an authentic, intimate, loving, and diverse Christian community can be possible. It is what I yearn for deep down. I have felt the church/myself emphasizes to-do lists, programs, and endless ways to compare ourselves to other to ensure our holiness is superior thus crumbling any ability to love and create beautiful diverse music through our lives that honor God. I am really struggling with how I can fight this self exalting desire to polish myself up in my tradition thought of holiness instead of   a life that makes the most of God and draws broken people to the glorious redemptive truth of God. My sense of holiness has been so corrupted by guilt, control, coercion, behavior transformation, belittling, division... it has so very little to do with God's character and true holiness.  I can assume God's holiness looks a lot more like the fruits of the spirit than my terrible list.

Today is one of those when I have re-realized the deep deep need I have for Jesus in everything and every way. I have a sinking suspicion that my twisted view of holiness has not drawn people to God. It does weigh heavily on my heart. The temptation would be to fall back into myself for an earned false holiness to alleviate the guilt of my heart. Yet, I want to fight that with truth. Christ is all sufficient. His holiness is all I need, I live in freedom to live graciously to everyone because Christ is all grace. Help me to keep asking God for  a clearer vision of his holiness and for a Spirit moved transformation in my heart. Let any desire for sanctification be only to display  God's true and magnificent holiness to the world.  I think my total transformation in thoughts on holiness have helped me see more clearly God's vision for his community on earth discussed in this book. Maybe more on that later?

thanks for reading my ramblings, if you did :)

interruptions

I will resume with our European adventures after this brief interruption. I know you are all so very eager to hear a very detailed recap of our trip.

So this morning and on our flight home last night, we reflected on this past month. We went into May eager to have events outside of SLC and the norm to give us a break from our frustrations, disappointments, sadness, and apathy. Of course, the vacation and most recently, the return to Colorado for a dear friend's wedding provided a much needed reprieve, I can't deny there is a bigger force at work than being well rested. I read this this morning. I think it somewhat helps me see the grander picture of God's work at hand.

From the very beginning of God's movement in the world, God has been interrupting people with his love- disturbing our false peace in order to make real peace possible. Jesus drives a wedge in the status quo to create space for something new. If we have ears to hear, the invitation is open for each of us; come and be part of the beloved community that God makes possible in Jesus Christ.

-Welcoming Justice by Charles Marsh & John Perkins

We were able to talk through a lot of our issues with Colorado friends and each other over the past few weeks.  I am so thankful for their love and wisdom in our lives. We'd definitely fallen into a trap of placing ourselves in the center of our universe, creating and desiring a false sense of peace, security, and purpose. Even though life changes, we can see these changes and interruptions has blessings because God is ultimately in control and uses them to sanctify us.

We landed back in SLC yesterday eager to jump back in to the messy uncertain future before us, letting go of our fears and desire to control everything. We want to see the messiness as a sign God has a plan for us here. Our own internal messiness and the mess around us can and will be made new one day. There is plenty of redemptive work to be done at hand. Our hearts feel joyful and renewed. We are so very grateful for a month of introspection, encouragement, and wisdom discovered and shared. We realized SLC is different for us than it was before. Of course we mourn the absence of dear friends in our community but for the first time in a long time we feel ready to try, hope, and give. 

I know we need God's love to sustain us as we go forward. So very thankful this love is immeasurable, freely given, and unfailing.

and of course, a HUGE congratulations to Eric and Sarah, we could not be happier for your marriage!

it flurried off and on today but this as nothing to do with that.

It seems lately Davis and I, probably mostly me since Davis tends to be eternally optimistic, have been experiencing growing sadness, frustration, annoyances and so on with our current situation. First of all, let me just say I realize in the scheme of life we really have nothing to complain about. None-the-less, it's easy to get stuck in a pattern of seeing negatives and missing the everyday joys. This pattern of negativity tends to fuel itself into more negativity and can easily be spread from person to person. Let's just say we have been passing back and forth our frustrations, allowing each other to sink deeper into "despair", for a lack of better wordage. Of course we missed the opportunity to show each other truth and love, we missed countering our hopelessness with God's perfect hope.

But let me set this post up a little here. I am frustrated by work. No surprise here, it's often the theme of my woes. Growing anxiety, frustrations, and just a lack of enjoyment have fostered a festering bog in me. The jury is still out on what I will do but I may be cutting back to just one job soon. Also, as previously mentioned, we feel like we are losing our family here in Utah. We peer into the future and it seems lonely. We want the comfort of these quality friends to spend our time with. In April, we had three different sets of visitors. Mostly my family and also a friend of mine who has been in my life since I was fourteen. We enjoyed them all so immensely. These most recent visitations pushed more on our hearts, all our families are plane rides away. We don't always sense it, but we are lonely out west because they are all so far away. Finally, one which I won't go into much detail over, but we have been focusing on the faults of our local church here. It's very easy for us, in our pride, to assume we are the most awesome, giving, serving Christians in the whole state of Utah. I have been so consumed in pride and self-glorification I have hardly noticed how much this has become a problem. I am often to blind to my own sins as I lay in bed at night bashing this and that about others and situations.

As I write this, I feel nearly sick to my stomach. I am so sorry I have not loved anyone well because I have only served myself lately.

God is good. Despite me often being an impossibly slow learner. The RUF pastor, Bryce Hale, preached this Sunday on why Christian should love the Church. And while this isn't perfectly applicable to all my woes, it sure did snap me back to reality and renew my heart. It made me realize I often view the church and really the whole wide world  as how they can serve me and promote me.  Here are just a couple of truths gleened from the sermon on Psalm 87.
1. God loves to be in the presence of his people, the church.
2. God makes his presence known through his people, the church
3. The church is made up of God's former enemies. God spared no expense to rescue his former enemies by sacrificing His son.
4. God exists in the Trinity (mind blowing yes) A God in three persons. He has always existed in community. He also makes his presence known to us through community, his Church.
5. The community that is his Church is the answer to my (our) self-centered, prideful, sin bent ways.

Here I am complaining about church because I am selfish. The church is means of grace to get outside of myself and serve. It helps me see my place rightly, with God most glorious and to be praised. Also, complaining about life can be put into a better perspective when I consider I am one of God's former enemies who Jesus gave his life for me to be made whole again.


I don't think I really did much justice on the beauty in that bit of scripture and God's truth which provides infinite hope for the soul. I think there may have been several side rabbit trails my brain and heart went through to come out the other side. I am just thankful for truth proclaimed and that God loves me even if I was once his enemy. I definitely am more refreshed and renewed.


And if you made it this far, here are some pictures that you maybe did or didn't want to see. I don't have many from this week.

high quality selfies.

coffee, lazy pants, doggie and Davis (not pictured)
these make a girl feel at home

So other updates: Two a half weeks before we have the vacation to Europe and the garden is sprouting.




Here is the link to the sermon, not the one from Sunday but when he gave it at RUF. It's the one dated 2/5/14 Things Christians Love; the Church

swirlings

Honestly, I am probably only updating because I feel some sense of obligation to keep up. While I have a million things swirling around in my mind and heart, I have yet to process and organize everything. Lately it seems Davis and I are unsettled, shifting our focus, changing our old habits... I don't know what to call it or what it is. Perhaps we are just growing up some more. It's not a bad thing, God hasn't changed at all, we just perceive something in ourselves is changing.

my favorites

But here I am, my one sort of day off this week, writing a bit. I had my BLS re-certification this morning, yes the scene is safe. I'm settling more into this double job conundrum, still fighting the desire to look into the future and arrange my circumstances to provide me hope and peace.  Speaking of looking into the future, we have some exciting arrangements and also some sad realities. Davis and I are finally taking a trip to Europe together in May. This is about three years in the making and lots of money saved (mostly spent just flying in that big metal bird). We are excited. It's our first big vacation as a married couple just the two of us. As soon as we get back, our dear friend is getting married in Colorado. In the fall my brother will be getting married and one of my best friends is also to tie the knot in November. We have family coming to visit us throughout the Spring and Summer. We received a truck load of compost for gardening. It's all very exciting.

truck full of dirt

At the same time, our hearts hurt as we look into the future. Our closest friends are all leaving or have left Salt Lake City. We often find ourselves longing to leave too. Right now our future looks lonely.  We also feel somewhat worn out. There are some additional circumstances that also have been weighing on us, but that is a whole other can of worms. Instead of remember the Lord is at hand, we struggle with seeking to amend our circumstances so we can be happier. How can we learn to trust God as we look into the future, with so much that is unknown and what we do know so far isn't what we consider favorable?

Last night we had a discipleship group meeting focusing on prayer. Entirely convicting and practical, I am reminded of this privilege and  requirement. The discussion is somewhat part of what is swirling around in my head and heart right now but I am convinced the timing was no accident. Prayer is something I struggle with so very much. Easily distracted and selfish with my time, I rarely see it as I ought nor use it as I should.

So, as I live in the present, knowing joys and heartache will come with the future, I want to remember this:

"The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" Philippians 4:5b-7

bootstraps

Life lately has been somewhat uneventful. I am fine with that. Some work, some play, some sunshine, and surprisingly a good bit of rain. It's been looking like a Georgia winter the past five days or so. I am not complaining, I am much more experienced being mobile in rain than snow.

Let's see... I woke up before work last week to check out the snow fall before heading out for the 6am work start. To my surprise, there was a herd of twenty-ish deer and moseying down the side walks. It was a pretty cool sight but also made me a little sad. Come to find out, they live in a large cemetery a couple blocks away and sometimes find their way into town. The awe and sadness dissipated a little with knowing the facts. However, in the moment I was so mesmerized I woke Davis up just in time for him to be super sleepy and miss the whole thing.

only proof of deer, tracks in the snow

Hmmm... Jenna and I had a girls date to the hair salon, I feel silly using the word salon, last week.

Tonight will be our second meeting of a nine week discipleship group through church.

Our dear friend in Fort Collins, Eric James, got engaged to a fabulous lady. We can't wait to celebrate with them in May!

I had a stupid cold for awhile. I felt fine except that my eyes constantly watered and my nose eternally dripped. I had to miss work because who wants their nurse dripping snot on a their fresh newborn? 

Saturday we had lunch with the McKinneys and Moffats to send the McKinneys off on their RV adventure. I have another friend moving in a week and a half. And then the Moffatts will leave SLC at the beginning of the summer. It seems right now everyone is leaving. It's gotten me down a bit. These people have been our family here.

Saturday night we took some of the youth group to a University of Utah basketball game. I am really very impressed and thankful for the group of students in these churches. Despite the fact I feel super insufficient for this task, I have received so much joy and encouragement through their lives already. Davis and I were thinking back on our married life and had to giggle a bit at where our lives are currently. Never ever did we foresee a life in Utah and helping start a youth group. A place we never thought twice about before and a job we never thought we were great at. God is good and sometimes humorous.

uuuuuuuuuuuutah

This coming Saturday we fly to North Carolina to visit Davis' family for a long weekend. We haven't seen them in a long time. We will get to celebrate our niece's fourth birthday while we are there. And they live near my hometown of Asheville, which also happens to be one of my most favorite places in America.




So that's the update.

Now, that I finished that I just need a minute to confess and be so very thankful.  Davis can attest that I was pretty grumpy, sour, argumentative, and selfish this weekend. Not that those things were limited to this weekend, they just seemed to be more pronounced this weekend. Y'all, I am a big time sinner. So often I expect Davis (everyone really) to read my mind and get on board with my selfish plans. I often neglect or miss opportunities to serve, encourage, love, and ultimately glorify God because I want to live for myself.

But the problem is, even if I wanted to better myself of these things, I can't. I  cannot do enough good to save ourselves. Christianity is a religion of love and grace. There is nothing I can add or do to earn our salvation. Jesus paid it all. There is no such thing as being able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Anything I think, do, or say that is glorifying to God is because of the Holy Spirit's work in my heart. And it's not to try to fix myself up so God will finally love me and bless me. It is because he has/does love me and has/will bless me.  Repent and believe. So simple and beautiful. Thankfully, I can't mess that up by being grumpy sour pants all weekend.

So, to end the ramblings. Here is part of a prayer the pastor gave us during discipleship groups...  I just really like it...

"Lord, you are full of compassion and gracious,

slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy;

there is always forgiveness with you!

Restore to us the joy of your salvation;

bind up that which is broken,

give light to our minds,

strength to our wills,

and rest to our souls.

Speak to each of us,

and let your word abide with us

until it has wrought in us your holy will. 

Amen"

blessed

I've had plenty of time to write lately. Apparently, it is the slower season of baby birthing. People want summer babies, so I hear. I've still worked plenty, just less than the forty hours a week. However, I've been fairly lazy when it comes to this blog thing. I didn't know what to write or if I did think of something, it was mostly a bit of a downer.

But anyways, here I am to write a little something. I will catch y'all up on Christmas time and be amazed that January is already over half way gone.

This is our fourth winter away from the southeast. After  four years,  we had our first holiday season out west. Typically we've made it back for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. And this was the first year I've truly felt home sick. Well, let me rephrase that. When I think of "home", I don't think of a place, I think faces and ones I hold so dear. My little heart ached pretty hard this year at the holidays. I even spent some time looking for new jobs for Davis within a driving radius of our families. Also, I spent Christmas day and New Years at work. I just couldn't shake how sore my heart felt to be so far away. Even Davis, the perpetual optimist, always jolly, even commented how this holiday season seemed less cheerful. I am so thankful for a sweet husband and a goofy dog to call my family here in Utah. Additionally, we have made some amazing friends who have so lovingly welcomed us into their lives. I guess, in some cheesy fashion, I can say I am thankful to have family and friends that I can love and miss. Not everyone can say that.

family self portrait

But that also leads to how by Fall of 2014, our lives will look very different here in Utah. One family we grew really close to just closed on their house last week and will soon be moving on. We prayed for them at church Sunday. I got all teary eye and sniffy nosed. Gosh, I love those people. Additionally, probably our closest friends, the Moffatts, are moving back to South Dakota this summer. I am afraid I will all out ball over these ones leaving. There are other ones leaving and plenty who talk of leaving, it's a pretty transient community. Not to mention we are in a definite minority here. All this makes it hard for me to want to stay. I'm okay right now, I am sure this summer I will be a total mess for a bit. The heart ache at Christmas is passed but I am keeping a leery eye to the future. I don't know what God has in store for us here in Salt Lake City, but I want to trust him to provide what we need.

Enough of this sad talk. We are so blessed. I mean, I just look out the window at work sometimes and am totally blown away. When the inversion isn't being oppressive, this is what my community looks like.

work and a view

I can't help but be amazed at the mountains that hug Salt Lake Valley.


This past weekend, the Moffats, Davis and I decided to get away. There are some supposed Ice Castles up in Midway. Midway is past Park City, which is currently in the middle of Sundance Film Festival. The Ice Castle is slightly misleading, it's more like an icicle fort. It's a bit of a tourist trap but we are glad we saw it. We also walked around Midway, checked out a couple antique shops and had delicious Mexican food and beer for a mid afternoon lunch/dinner. We decided to skip trying to find famous people in Park City, we probably wouldn't be good at recognizing them plus we didn't want to get stuck in the traffic. Davis and I also had tickets to hear Ravi Zacharias speak that night.

entrance

turns out wearing sunglasses in the castle was a great idea
Ice and snow is very bright

stalactites of ice

slot canyons of ice

our group after successful navigating the maze
(it wasn't hard)

 So, there it is. Life as of late. The heart soreness has passed for the time being. Everyone is back to work and reality. Our year is already filling up with trips, family visiting, friends, and so on. We have much to be thankful for.

A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices

I have been thinking about Christmas a lot lately. Who knows why, it's not like the whole of the "Christmas Season" explodes in our faces through lights, music, parties, food, shopping, presents, and so on. My original thoughts were how I see Christmas differently than I did when I was younger. My parents and grandparents worked really hard the whole time cooking, baking, buying, working, and still trying to get us kids to see the real meaning of Christmas. Now that I am an adult and it's more or less up to me to do the work of celebrating, it doesn't seem as thrilling. I still love all the traditions, memories, and fellowship that come with this time of year. I can't help but wonder what the what has happened to Christmas. I so badly want to take a step back from the decor, cookie exchanges, gift giving out of love and/or guilt, endless parties with people you may or may not know or like, the blaring commercials trying to convince everyone that Christmas will suck if you don't get the one right present or a million presents, elf on the shelf (whatever that is about), and so on. Sorry for the huge long sentences.  I don't really see these things as evil, it's the fact that we make idols out of them and forget what Christmas is really about. How many times have you heard that phrase in a cheesy hallmark made for TV movie?

Ingrid loves Christmas
she loves to tear up paper

Anyways, what really got my brain synapses firing and my heart stirring came through a text message of a friend who works in the ICU here. We invited she and her husband to our annual Christmas dinner but she was on call that same night. She explained she probably wouldn't make it because their census was high due to the increased number of suicide attempts at this time of year. I had somewhat forgotten this sad fact since my patient population is a bit different this year. But it's true, underneath the illusion of perfect Christmas season, people are perhaps more lonely, sad, angry, lost, and hopeless this time of year. Their situations seem more dark and hopeless in contrast to the bright twinkle lights that surround them. It really isn't the most wonderful time of the year for some people. It is a poignant reminder that all is not right yet.

Lamb Wellington from the feast

Not that I think we should have a decorated tree in our house all year but Christmas should be thoughtfully celebrated and clung to year 'round. It shouldn't be confined to a day, an event, a month, a shopping period of sales, or whatever. God is God throughout time and transcending time. The hope of Christmas applies moment to moment. Just when we want to give up, feel utterly alone, lost, unloved, ugly, dumb, angry, discouraged, and hopeless should be when we teach ourselves again and again Christmas. Not the Christmas of whirlwind activities, fake smiles, and presents that turn to dust but true Christmas of the Bible.

Harper, the Christmas Cherub?

God of the universe, creator of all things, out of love, sent his only Son to humble human birth as a baby in order that we can have eternal life. But not just hope for when this life ends and all sorrows and troubles shall cease, but a present and living hope as well. God cares deeply of our momentary afflictions and our present sufferings. And since Jesus walked this earth as a man, he is no stranger to our weaknesses, heartaches, toothaches, arguments, tears, and so on. He lived as we live. Hope, peace, and love for the moment to moment. Hope, peace, and love for the future.

snowshoeing on Christmas Eve

Also, let me take this a bit further. Remembering this truth at Christmas isn't just the little bit extra that gets us through a tough spot. Faith in this is everything for salvation. It is all our hope, love, and peace. A part from Jesus, we have nothing and can do nothing to free ourselves from the broken patterns of this world. Christ had to be born a man, live the perfect life we cannot live no mater how hard we try, be crucified for our sins so justice could be satisfied, and overcome Satan, sin, and death through His resurrection. This had to happen that we may be saved and have hope, life, peace, and love. That is why I celebrate Christmas. That is what I teach myself  when I become sad and angry at work on Christmas Day. That is what I cling to when death touches my family or suffering knocks on our door. I want to celebrate Christmas, giving glory rightly to God, all year long and all life long.

O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
'Til He appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.

Merry Christmas!

the ordinary days

I often just write about the big events, visitors, happy parties, and so on. When I look at pictures I've taken, it's mostly of ordinary days. I don't write about those days as much, that's the sigh we all live in more often than not. The drawn out days between Saturdays, the mundane of moment of getting by the best we can. The worry that weighs us down through the week, the fourty-eight hours of hope which are quickly snatched away. Or maybe that is just me?  I just look forward, failing to see God's presence in the moment, desiring a change in circumstance to bring me more comfort. Constantly, my mind is filled with plots and plans for the future. Trying to move my chess pieces just right to win an easy life. How does one live in the "already but not yet"?


I heard on the radio recently that if you want to make your weekend seem longer you need to make more memories. Our brain measures time by events. Therefore, the more you do, the more memories you make and then your time will seem more full. Or just maybe your weekend won't feel as short when the sun sets on Sunday evening. (Need I say more more?)

I am not sure what I am trying to say. Maybe all I want to convey is that the little pieces of people we get is never the whole picture. We always want to present the best version of ourselves and seem awesomely put together. We want all our time filled and have a sense of importance. We want purpose. We want hope. We want love. We look to those bigger events, happy parties, and the break from the ordinary to fulfill us. We look to fellow man for our ultimate love and approval. Yet, we still feel so weary and empty in our hearts.

Maybe at Christmastime I get overly thoughtful and sentimental. I just can't help but think all of humanity is in the time of waiting, hoping, and longing. At least that is where I am. He came once before in form of man and has promised to return again to bring us home, to fulfill all His promises. Living in a weary world, Christmas brings that thrill of hope when all our longings and ordinary days will be forever satisfied in His presence.

But until then we live in the present with an eternal perspective. I cling daily to the cross and yet rest in my heart that all will be made right one day.


Here are some ordinary day pictures :)

the day we fit a 6 ft tree in the back of the VW GTI

garland I made, inspired by my sister-in-law

ingrid has matured enough to get a dog bed and not eat it

decorated the tree
topped with our toilet paper roll and aluminum foil star

it snowed and got really cold

I am too scared to drive in the snow

So, I walked to the trax station at 530 am
so I could take public transportation to work
(and not drive in the snow)

lonely commute in the early morning

I worked a night shift two days after the snow
and the roads were cleared to my liking
it was so cold/beautiful that morning

 

 

 

went with some friends to see LDS church's Savior of the World
Christmas production. Temple Square had some serious lights.

today's view. white and grey. light snow falling

using her bed properly

Those are just pictures of my ordinary days.

eric came to visit! (and other thoughts)

When I started this blog it was mostly because we have friends and family all over the world. Just in case people wanted to keep up with us, I decided to blog the highlights which can be checked at their (who ever they are) leisure.  I am finding that although I never really intended to go deeper than "We did this, saw that, ate there" I have gone deeper. Perhaps I shared more than you ever wanted to know about me/us and the struggles of my/our heart. I guess I can't separate my doings from my thinkings/feelings/struggles.  So here it goes, some more doings and thinkings...


We spend the weekend with on our of dearest friends from Fort Collins, Eric. When Davis and I consider the many relationships we've had over the years, we never had felt or been alone. The older I get, the more years I have to really look back and see the providential blessings of people, whether for a season or lifelong. Although a self-proclaimed super introverted  and shy person who often afraid of people, I cannot deny my love and need of fellowship with others. Eric is a friend who just meshes so well with both Davis and me. We had a fabulous weekend eating, drinking, laughing, sharing, and exploring. We are so very thankful for his friendship.

brunch brothers

utah mountain adventures

some autumn

and some winter

we are small in the vast world

Davis and Eric with Uintas behind

Davis borrowed my hat for part of the hike :)

Sundance, Utah

Sunday afternoon hymn enjoyment

We miss having Eric around on a regular basis but thankful he wanted to visit us.  I kept thinking this weekend how much joy we experienced. God is so good to use to give us so many beautiful, precious gifts to display his love for us. 

However, I typically have the shadows and doubt and fear that steal joy. Often times my cynicism, suspicions, anxiety, fear, unbelief, and distrust makes it hard to enjoy those gifts. I am terrified that they will be taken away or look to the future and dread the end. Or I feel too guilty or ungrateful to enjoy good things because I often compare blessings and either think  superior or inferior  thoughts depending on how I measure up. There is a complex entanglement in my heart of lies, fear, and doubt. I often see the entanglement grabbing hold in so many areas of my life. Often times it seems like the second I stop preaching the gospel to my heart, I slip into this darkness. This weekend, I noticed again how I go from joy to dread so quickly, falling prey to traps of sin in my heart.

Like I said, I never intended for this thing to get so much into the mucky muck of my heart, but I am certain I am not alone in these sorts of struggles.  How do we live in the present, keeping an eternal perspective, and have joy? Obviously I haven't conquered this nor will I be made perfect this side of heaven. I believe God and his reconciling work is the source and object of joy. If my life is missing joy or joy is stolen by cynicism, suspicions, anxiety, fear, unbelief, and distrust  it is because perhaps I am not living as though I believe this.

I am just beginning to wade through these thoughts, so they are very unpolished and under developed.

worry and peace

As I was sitting on the front porch this morning, sipping my favorite tea and taking a moment to think, I realized something. Perhaps this realization came after a conversation Davis and I had walking Ingrid the other day. Or because this week before heading into a new and scary job sphere, I have prayed more fervently to not be so worried. But I think it was a long time coming, I am often slow to realize many things. For certain,  I am late to the party on these truths but none the less, I want to share because I realize so many struggle with worry and a lack of peace in their souls.

I have often prayed for people to know/have/feel/receive "a peace that passes understanding" from Philippians 4:7. Of course I've read the verse many times without giving it much thought. I didn't even think much about it even when I prayed it. When I consider peace, I either think a lack of conflict or that state of being where you aren't really worried. I'm sure it's both and more but I am not scholar so I am mostly talking about the fact my heart, mind, and soul are often at turmoil within me because I am so worried all the time.

When Davis and I were walking the other day, we talked about how much I worry and how I am always looking to the future or the next thing. My forward thinking is not a good thing, it stems from a desire to control life and know that nothing too unbearable will be happening. This is especially difficult when it comes to my work. As a nurse, you work with very unpredictable illnesses, people, environments and so on. I often spend my days off looking forward to my work days in worry about what may come up. This is true on  bigger and smaller levels in my life as well. I am a worrier with very little peace. Worry is a sin. It makes me believe lies like I need something besides Jesus to be happy. It steals joy from my many blessings and turns my life into very self-centered and self-preserving mess. When I am so focused on myself and securing my peace and desires, it backfires and I worry more than ever.

Well this is what I realized this morning. I thought, how can I ever be at peace if I am looking for circumstances  and the ability to control them to bring me peace? And by circumstances, I mean my ability to control myself, others, and the world around me to where I don't have to worry. Peace can only be true, secure, and unchanging it has to be rooted in love for and by Christ. Trusting God and his promises that He will never leave me or forsake me. I have a secure eternal home with Him. This is the peace that passes understanding. This peace can guard my heart and mind from the worry and fear I often daily toil in and inwardly (or outwardly) am in anguish over. True peace, the security of my soul, must come from resting in God's promises not in the hope of all our circumstances becoming to my liking.

I do not want to worry.

Okay, so if this is indeed an answer to the trouble and worry of my weary soul, how on earth can keep focused on His promises?

 So, I looked at some the verses around the verse I've so often prayed. I added it right below for your reading pleasure. It may seem silly but turning to the bible for God's promises is kinda new to me. Well, not new but I am learning to actually do that.

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:4-9

These are some things I prayed about based on the verse:

-Rejoice in God and not my circumstances. 

-Be kind to people not because it makes your circumstances generally better but because God was first kind to me. 

-God is with me. 

-Instead of wasting time and energy in worry, pray about it. 

-Prayer and realizing God is in control brings about that peace in my soul I can't even understand because it's not linked to my circumstances. Like the early church that could rejoice in persecution. 

-Instead of thinking about myself and all the things that could go wrong (and still might), think about truth, love, justice, excellence, and so on. Or really, think about God and all he has done for his people throughout time. And  consider sometimes I can see glimpses of these traits through people in my life. 

-Don't just say "oh this is some nice truth here" and forget it. Practice it in my life. Meditate on it. Pray over it. Remember it when I want to worry about or change my circumstances.

So that's what I thought about this morning. 

And for your viewing pleasure and reward for making it through my ramblings, here are two pictures.

Bear Lake in the morning

Ingrid, not so sure about camping

We went on a quick star-gazing, over night camping trip with friends last friday to Bear Lake on the Utah/Idaho border.

By the way, my favorite tea is called Paris by Harney and Sons. Check it out.

enjoy the toil

As a part of living a life more fully, I began thinking about my job. I took it because I wanted good hours which can be hard to come by as a RN. But the more I worked (or less since I get canceled a lot) the more I realized I was just trying to survive. Nursing is a tough world but the good thing is there are many different areas you can go into, basically like changing careers, but somehow you are mostly qualified with a RN license. Same Day Surgery was a different kind of stressful for me, I was/am having a hard time not getting the hours I need and working with personalities I find somewhat cold or abrasive. I really thought long and hard about how I will probably be working for at least three more decades, Lord willing, and maybe it's a little to early to just try to survive. We should try to enjoy our "toil". We were created to be productive and to create beauty and order. We should desire to bring restoration to a broken world not just jump in our bunkers and eat canned beans and play Uno until the war is over. Why not take a little time to figure out something I could enjoy working in? I have no idea what it feels like to really enjoy my labor. Sure I have great days and I have terrible days but apart from needing money and believing I maybe should use my degree for a little while, I probably would prefer not to go to work. This makes me sound lazy but I don't want to work because I currently enjoy being a dog mom to Ingrid more than being a nurse. It's the whole working/living for the weekend so many people often fall prey to and I do not want to do that anymore. Of course there should be a balance and I certainly do not have a good balance. Since there is such a variety in nursing, I figured now is the time while our responsibilities are at a minimal to see if there is something I can enjoy.


On a whim, I applied to a part time Labor and Delivery job. I've done Rehab, Med/Surg, Neuro, Short Stay Surgery but nothing since nursing school with anything L&D related. Crazy enough, I immediately received an interview offer. I explained to them in the interview exactly where I was in my career and that I wanted to work in L&D because so many people who do love it. Instead of just getting through my current job, I want to see if I love L&D too. Even though it will be a huge change and massive learning curve to switch, I believe I can do it and need to try to do it. It was probably the most honest you can be in an interview while still trying to sell yourself to future employers. Surprisingly, the interview went really well and I found it quite satisfying and pleasurable to talk the potential future bosses. 

A few days later, I received a phone call saying they wanted to hire me. Of course, I am  terrified to be so novice in this particular set of nursing skills. Some nights of restlessness have followed as I struggled to trust God in the entire situation. I took the job needless to say and a week from today will be my very first day. I will still be working some at same day surgery occassionally but I am excited to see if I can enjoy the toil of L&D.

changes!

more than surviving

wide open spaces in wyoming

I am having hard time putting my thoughts into writing. Therefore, I am distracting myself by looking at pages of skirts, dresses and shoes. Super cute but not practical for someone who spends a large portion of my life in scrubs. Okay, moving into what I wanted to write about.

We went on a quick weekend trip back to Fort Collins. It was lovely and relaxing. So many friends took time out of their lives to see us. We ate some of our favorite food, walked familiar streets, caught up on lives, and hugged necks of dear souls. I was afraid visiting would produce discontentment in my heart. Both Davis and I were surprised to find, although we had great comfort in familiarity of friends, we are starting to look at life differently. What I mean is this: so often we spend most of our time merely trying to survive and safely navigate and control all ups and downs of life. We both could logically say we loved our time in Fort Collins and it would have been desirable to stay there. Circumstantially, it was not for us to stay in Fort Collins. But there was more we realized in our hearts than just the logic of the situation. God is doing something in our lives.

(I'll try to break this up with pictures)

road trip buddy

pit stop for cheap ice cream at Little America

There was a sermon given by Ryan Baker over a year ago in Fort Collins that has been on my mind and heart for a long time. It has begun to really change the way I think about life and overall what on earth does Christianity/Salvation/Trinity/Love/Truth/Bible has to do with our daily struggles. The point that rings in my heart is Jesus loves you, what are you so afraid of? I often live in fear while trying to survive with self preservation and self glorification. I am terrified of letting go of the illusion of control, safety and importance. Why is it so hard to let go and be loved? God is calling us to let go and rest in him. He loves us, do not be afraid.  Take a  listen if you have the chance. I am listening to it as a write this.

More recently, Bryce Hales, the RUF director for University of Utah preached at church here in Salt Lake City. He spoke from a hard passage in the Old Testament where Moses goes to Pharaoh and says "let my people go". Instead of setting Israel free, he doubles the workload required of them. Of course, the Israelites are thinking, oh geez thanks for saving us (not). He stopped there and didn't go into the fact God brings plagues to Egypt, parts the Red Sea, provides all their needs in the desert, gives them victory over their enemies, and provides the promise land. Instead, his point was in our lives, God is at battle with the idols and false gods in our lives. In this example Pharaoh had made himself a god over these people. Therefore, the true God must deliver his people from captivity to him. He created us in love and is righteously jealous for us. When things are hard and they hurt, many times it is God turning our hearts towards him by removing these idols and false gods. A lot times we miss the bigger picture of God's hand in our lives as Israel did in this situation.  I am no expert on understanding suffering and hardships. It is by far one of the hardest subjects. Life is hard, oh my goodness and sometimes it flat out sucks beyond comprehension. His intention was not to gloss over the difficulties and pains we often feel.   But for us to know we have a God who loves us and fights for us. What are we so afraid of? God gave up everything to make us his children. And as long as we live this side of eternity, he will have to continue to be at war with the idols and false gods we often cling to.  (I would put the link to this sermon up but it's not available yet, plus my summary is probably really pathetic)

This is huge, glorious and deep story I am touching on. All that I wanted to say, with more clarity but writing is not a particular gift of mine, was to explain why this trip to Fort Collins didn't stir up sadness or discontentment in my heart. Lovingly, God has been teaching us to see life in light of these truths just discussed above.

new puppy friend, Layla

We have been praying a lot about this move. We do not just want to merely survive while preserving our illusion of control and safety. While our living in Colorado was a huge blessing relationally, we spent most of our time being safe. We moved from one island of safety to another, minimally engaging in non-safe surroundings like at work. Moving to Utah, although we have not left our native country, we have left the comfort zone we worked to build and maintain. Instead of doing the same in Utah, we want to really be salt and light for Christ. According to wikipedia, in 2000 about 7% of Utah's popular claimed to be Evangelical Christians. Coming from the south and then Colorado where nearly all our friends were originally southern and/or we met them at church, this is very different. There is so much to do in the work of restoration and redemption. We do not want to be lazy and safe, okay yes we idolize that still, but we are seeking to not fall back into that lie. Instead we are clinging to these truths: Jesus loves you, what are you afraid of? and God is our God and is fighting  against the idols and false gods in our lives to give us true love and freedom. 

Davis and I do not want to be lazy. We do not want to just survive. How do you live in light of the gospel? How does a Christian live in truth and love? It is easy to become unloving with concern only for truth. It is easy to let go of truth when only concerned with a more worldly definition of  love. We aren't looking for an epic life or to be all stars on the Jesus team. How do you live radically in the mundane life? Maybe it is as simple as believing God loves you and fights for you and living as though you believe God loves you and fights for you. Davis and I will fail at this, we already have. Thankfully God is much bigger than the summation of all our failures and He indeed will have final victory. Additionally, if you read this you might think y'all are crazy. We do not want to be afraid of not having answers for all the questions, no human can. Neither one of us is perfect nor are we omniscience. We do not want to put up a facade that we have it all together because we don't and pretending to always be right or happy despite where your heart is is exhausting and not helpful.  Both of us desire to grow, be challenged and challenge, and daily lay down the notion of surviving and comfort for the joys of living for Jesus.

the most honorable lucy

Even though we miss our friends and will miss watching their children grow up.  We are content because there is so much more than meets the eye. We cannot cling to earthy things to give us eternal satisfaction. Although we aren't sure yet why and what God has in store for the Wares in Utah and maybe we won't ever know fully, we at peace in our hearts. Of course, this doesn't stop us from bugging (or encouraging) friends to move here.

sign of promises He has kept and will keep

I realize if you did read all that, many will not agree. We are open to any and all questions. And of course, we are always open to visitors!