slow summer mornings

summer morning spread on the front porch

One of the sweetest things in life to me is a slow summer morning. Breakfast on the porch with journal, bible, book and coffee. Yep, I did take another picture of food. This gluten-free seed bread is seriously amazing. But that's not why I am writing nor why I am not writing more about Europe. The past few days, God has really been renovating my heart. Anytime I have these major moments where it seems my heart can all the sudden see more clearly, I get this sensation that I can only describe as "my heart is exploding". One of the more memorable times this has happened was in Africa six years ago. Often times these unveilings are nothing new to people, I just take extra time to get things. Then I forget and need reminding.

(so, to warn you, it's long)

I have finally gotten around to reading  a book my older brother gave to me for Christmas years ago. It's not big or hard to read, I just haven't read it yet. No legit excuses here. The book is pictured above. As I am reading this, I am thinking "yes! I so badly want this to be a reality in my life and community" and "why isn't this a reality?" and "how can I make this a reality"... you know the good kind of book that points out areas of improvement and inspire you. I don't want to just summarize the book, I am honestly still chewing on the content and have yet to finish the final chapter.
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Just a few thoughts they stood out to me from the book:

"Every good movement inspires each individual to make sacrifices for the greater good. Every good movement invites people into something greater than themselves- something they would not be foolish to sacrifice everything for. Jesus said, "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it" (Matt 13:45-46). I believe the ministry of reconciliation is about calling people to give everything for God's vision of a church where we love one another across society's dividing lines. "
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" The existence of a compelling Christian witness in our time does not depend on our access to the White House, the size of our churches or the cultural relevance of our pastors. It depends, instead, on our ability to sing better songs with our lives. True conversion is always personal, but it is never solely about the individual who experiences God's love and knows the good news of salvation. True conversion is about learning to sing songs in which our life harmonizes with others'- even the lives of those least like us- and swells into a joyful and irresistible chorus."
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"To preach the gospel of Jesus Christ today, we've got to invite people into authentic relationships where they can be restored to a beloved community and work for the common good. The economist say that self-preservation is the first law of human nature, but I don't believe it. It's just not true. The most basic human instinct is to protect your children- to give yourself to something greater than yourself. We've been so dehumanized by this world's system that we think it's natural to live for ourselves alone. But it's not. God wants to restore us to the authentic relationships we were made for. That's what reconciliation is all about."
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I am getting a little crazy here. I want to just post the whole book to read. The point is, this book helping me see that my vision of the church and God's work on earth is so small and self seeking. I am often times more concerned about my opinions and my way than I am for the gospel. In fact, rarely am I living for God's glory. This book has stirred a desire in my heart, a longing I felt but couldn't put my finger on it. It is what I often have tried to articulate how I think the church should function and yet seems so very very far from it with me as part of the problem. God's plan for the work of the church on earth is beautiful restoration and to display his good and gracious character. Mine is so often been about myself.

Yesterday was Pentecost. I honestly haven't been in many church that have emphasized Pentecost. What comes to mind is speaking all sorts of languages and fire. Yesterday at church, our Pastor talked about that some but also about holiness. This idea of holiness was an arrow to the heart. I have almost exclusively thought of holiness as me making myself better, separating my self from sin, and in doing so I can be more holy (perfect) like God. God is the only holy one. I need to work on my holiness. The church post Jesus ascension is called to be a holy nation. This holiness is not to make ourselves superior or better than others. It is holiness that comes through Christ alone that moves us towards humanity because it is displaying God's character to the world. Holiness declares God's glory to everyone and every situation. This sort of holiness does not divide, it draws us to God and allows us to be transformed that our lives reflect God's holy character. I had never, to my knowledge, heard of holiness discussed in this way. It takes my life, my actions, my sense of needing to earn something and turns it upside down. The idea that holiness is attractive, uplifting, inspiring and doesn't disappoint or divide and is not about man blows my mind.

I think this idea of holiness is helping me see how an authentic, intimate, loving, and diverse Christian community can be possible. It is what I yearn for deep down. I have felt the church/myself emphasizes to-do lists, programs, and endless ways to compare ourselves to other to ensure our holiness is superior thus crumbling any ability to love and create beautiful diverse music through our lives that honor God. I am really struggling with how I can fight this self exalting desire to polish myself up in my tradition thought of holiness instead of   a life that makes the most of God and draws broken people to the glorious redemptive truth of God. My sense of holiness has been so corrupted by guilt, control, coercion, behavior transformation, belittling, division... it has so very little to do with God's character and true holiness.  I can assume God's holiness looks a lot more like the fruits of the spirit than my terrible list.

Today is one of those when I have re-realized the deep deep need I have for Jesus in everything and every way. I have a sinking suspicion that my twisted view of holiness has not drawn people to God. It does weigh heavily on my heart. The temptation would be to fall back into myself for an earned false holiness to alleviate the guilt of my heart. Yet, I want to fight that with truth. Christ is all sufficient. His holiness is all I need, I live in freedom to live graciously to everyone because Christ is all grace. Help me to keep asking God for  a clearer vision of his holiness and for a Spirit moved transformation in my heart. Let any desire for sanctification be only to display  God's true and magnificent holiness to the world.  I think my total transformation in thoughts on holiness have helped me see more clearly God's vision for his community on earth discussed in this book. Maybe more on that later?

thanks for reading my ramblings, if you did :)