slow summer mornings

summer morning spread on the front porch

One of the sweetest things in life to me is a slow summer morning. Breakfast on the porch with journal, bible, book and coffee. Yep, I did take another picture of food. This gluten-free seed bread is seriously amazing. But that's not why I am writing nor why I am not writing more about Europe. The past few days, God has really been renovating my heart. Anytime I have these major moments where it seems my heart can all the sudden see more clearly, I get this sensation that I can only describe as "my heart is exploding". One of the more memorable times this has happened was in Africa six years ago. Often times these unveilings are nothing new to people, I just take extra time to get things. Then I forget and need reminding.

(so, to warn you, it's long)

I have finally gotten around to reading  a book my older brother gave to me for Christmas years ago. It's not big or hard to read, I just haven't read it yet. No legit excuses here. The book is pictured above. As I am reading this, I am thinking "yes! I so badly want this to be a reality in my life and community" and "why isn't this a reality?" and "how can I make this a reality"... you know the good kind of book that points out areas of improvement and inspire you. I don't want to just summarize the book, I am honestly still chewing on the content and have yet to finish the final chapter.
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Just a few thoughts they stood out to me from the book:

"Every good movement inspires each individual to make sacrifices for the greater good. Every good movement invites people into something greater than themselves- something they would not be foolish to sacrifice everything for. Jesus said, "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it" (Matt 13:45-46). I believe the ministry of reconciliation is about calling people to give everything for God's vision of a church where we love one another across society's dividing lines. "
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" The existence of a compelling Christian witness in our time does not depend on our access to the White House, the size of our churches or the cultural relevance of our pastors. It depends, instead, on our ability to sing better songs with our lives. True conversion is always personal, but it is never solely about the individual who experiences God's love and knows the good news of salvation. True conversion is about learning to sing songs in which our life harmonizes with others'- even the lives of those least like us- and swells into a joyful and irresistible chorus."
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"To preach the gospel of Jesus Christ today, we've got to invite people into authentic relationships where they can be restored to a beloved community and work for the common good. The economist say that self-preservation is the first law of human nature, but I don't believe it. It's just not true. The most basic human instinct is to protect your children- to give yourself to something greater than yourself. We've been so dehumanized by this world's system that we think it's natural to live for ourselves alone. But it's not. God wants to restore us to the authentic relationships we were made for. That's what reconciliation is all about."
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I am getting a little crazy here. I want to just post the whole book to read. The point is, this book helping me see that my vision of the church and God's work on earth is so small and self seeking. I am often times more concerned about my opinions and my way than I am for the gospel. In fact, rarely am I living for God's glory. This book has stirred a desire in my heart, a longing I felt but couldn't put my finger on it. It is what I often have tried to articulate how I think the church should function and yet seems so very very far from it with me as part of the problem. God's plan for the work of the church on earth is beautiful restoration and to display his good and gracious character. Mine is so often been about myself.

Yesterday was Pentecost. I honestly haven't been in many church that have emphasized Pentecost. What comes to mind is speaking all sorts of languages and fire. Yesterday at church, our Pastor talked about that some but also about holiness. This idea of holiness was an arrow to the heart. I have almost exclusively thought of holiness as me making myself better, separating my self from sin, and in doing so I can be more holy (perfect) like God. God is the only holy one. I need to work on my holiness. The church post Jesus ascension is called to be a holy nation. This holiness is not to make ourselves superior or better than others. It is holiness that comes through Christ alone that moves us towards humanity because it is displaying God's character to the world. Holiness declares God's glory to everyone and every situation. This sort of holiness does not divide, it draws us to God and allows us to be transformed that our lives reflect God's holy character. I had never, to my knowledge, heard of holiness discussed in this way. It takes my life, my actions, my sense of needing to earn something and turns it upside down. The idea that holiness is attractive, uplifting, inspiring and doesn't disappoint or divide and is not about man blows my mind.

I think this idea of holiness is helping me see how an authentic, intimate, loving, and diverse Christian community can be possible. It is what I yearn for deep down. I have felt the church/myself emphasizes to-do lists, programs, and endless ways to compare ourselves to other to ensure our holiness is superior thus crumbling any ability to love and create beautiful diverse music through our lives that honor God. I am really struggling with how I can fight this self exalting desire to polish myself up in my tradition thought of holiness instead of   a life that makes the most of God and draws broken people to the glorious redemptive truth of God. My sense of holiness has been so corrupted by guilt, control, coercion, behavior transformation, belittling, division... it has so very little to do with God's character and true holiness.  I can assume God's holiness looks a lot more like the fruits of the spirit than my terrible list.

Today is one of those when I have re-realized the deep deep need I have for Jesus in everything and every way. I have a sinking suspicion that my twisted view of holiness has not drawn people to God. It does weigh heavily on my heart. The temptation would be to fall back into myself for an earned false holiness to alleviate the guilt of my heart. Yet, I want to fight that with truth. Christ is all sufficient. His holiness is all I need, I live in freedom to live graciously to everyone because Christ is all grace. Help me to keep asking God for  a clearer vision of his holiness and for a Spirit moved transformation in my heart. Let any desire for sanctification be only to display  God's true and magnificent holiness to the world.  I think my total transformation in thoughts on holiness have helped me see more clearly God's vision for his community on earth discussed in this book. Maybe more on that later?

thanks for reading my ramblings, if you did :)

eric came to visit! (and other thoughts)

When I started this blog it was mostly because we have friends and family all over the world. Just in case people wanted to keep up with us, I decided to blog the highlights which can be checked at their (who ever they are) leisure.  I am finding that although I never really intended to go deeper than "We did this, saw that, ate there" I have gone deeper. Perhaps I shared more than you ever wanted to know about me/us and the struggles of my/our heart. I guess I can't separate my doings from my thinkings/feelings/struggles.  So here it goes, some more doings and thinkings...


We spend the weekend with on our of dearest friends from Fort Collins, Eric. When Davis and I consider the many relationships we've had over the years, we never had felt or been alone. The older I get, the more years I have to really look back and see the providential blessings of people, whether for a season or lifelong. Although a self-proclaimed super introverted  and shy person who often afraid of people, I cannot deny my love and need of fellowship with others. Eric is a friend who just meshes so well with both Davis and me. We had a fabulous weekend eating, drinking, laughing, sharing, and exploring. We are so very thankful for his friendship.

brunch brothers

utah mountain adventures

some autumn

and some winter

we are small in the vast world

Davis and Eric with Uintas behind

Davis borrowed my hat for part of the hike :)

Sundance, Utah

Sunday afternoon hymn enjoyment

We miss having Eric around on a regular basis but thankful he wanted to visit us.  I kept thinking this weekend how much joy we experienced. God is so good to use to give us so many beautiful, precious gifts to display his love for us. 

However, I typically have the shadows and doubt and fear that steal joy. Often times my cynicism, suspicions, anxiety, fear, unbelief, and distrust makes it hard to enjoy those gifts. I am terrified that they will be taken away or look to the future and dread the end. Or I feel too guilty or ungrateful to enjoy good things because I often compare blessings and either think  superior or inferior  thoughts depending on how I measure up. There is a complex entanglement in my heart of lies, fear, and doubt. I often see the entanglement grabbing hold in so many areas of my life. Often times it seems like the second I stop preaching the gospel to my heart, I slip into this darkness. This weekend, I noticed again how I go from joy to dread so quickly, falling prey to traps of sin in my heart.

Like I said, I never intended for this thing to get so much into the mucky muck of my heart, but I am certain I am not alone in these sorts of struggles.  How do we live in the present, keeping an eternal perspective, and have joy? Obviously I haven't conquered this nor will I be made perfect this side of heaven. I believe God and his reconciling work is the source and object of joy. If my life is missing joy or joy is stolen by cynicism, suspicions, anxiety, fear, unbelief, and distrust  it is because perhaps I am not living as though I believe this.

I am just beginning to wade through these thoughts, so they are very unpolished and under developed.

final countdown

Of course if you are an Arrest Development fan, you will most likely be singing "the final countdown" by Europe in your head now. I know I am rocking some 80's hairband music in my head.

We've been busy settling into our new everything. Davis actually started work today. So soon. I did really fun things like scrub the downstairs bathroom.  We have two bathrooms. It's pretty awesome but it's two more than I'd like to clean. But before I get into the new SLC life, I need to document our final 24 hours in Fort Collins. It's mostly for my sake of processing. Which, apparently I am terrible at processing. My mom emailed me pictures of our dog from my childhood last night and it made me cry. I got through many goodbyes and driving away and all that jazz without having major waterworks. But then my mom sent me pictures of Coco and I was on the verge of crying about everything sad or hard since I was born. Anyone else ever have those moments?

Thursday. Busy full day.

Breakfast date with my dear Kristin.

It started with caramel latte (large this time) and a delicious baked good from one of my favorite places in all of Fort Collins, Little Bird Bakery. I love breakfast dates, just not too early. This girl has long been a Colorado friend. We started bonding at the hardest first job ever. I worked evenings while she worked nights and now we are friends for life.

The weather was windy and chilly with some spurts of rain as we went to pick up our moving truck. Davis drove the beast home to load it. Thankfully the rain was no more and the truck loading started. First was our couch going to Davis' former co-worker's apartment, up 7 flights of stairs (!!!!). I almost fell down our 4 steps just trying to get the couch out of the house into the truck. I did not participate in the 7 flights of stairs portion. After that incident, I hoped some help would appear. Morgan came to our rescue and in about an hour we had all we didn't need in the truck. So fast!

Just started packing, next to Old George, the giant tree with an orange ribbon.

We then spent the rest of the afternoon chatting with friends who stopped by and scarfing down food because we were starving from working. This Thursday happened to be our monthly potluck and prayer night with our small group and church. It was a special but hard night. Davis shared our great appreciation and love for the provision of sweet community for our time in Fort Collins. I couldn't speak because words came out in jumbled tears. If I could have spoken clearly then, I would have like to say something like this (abbreviated and without sobbing):

I love you all so dearly. I have seen and experienced the goodness and love of God so much more deeply through your friendships. The community and sense of family has been so deep, challenging and strong. I felt so safe and cared for yet challenged and made accountable to be increasingly bold and loving in all areas of my life. Thank you for preaching the gospel to me through your lives and words. Thankfully, there are no final goodbyes for those of us in Christ. Such sweet joy exists even in our sadness because of our eternal home. Come visit us!

We were showered in prayer. It was such a peaceful goodbye despite the tears. Afterwards we met with a few close friends at Ace Gilett's, another favorite spot, for the last hurrah. 

At about the last hour of the day, I decided to pack all the final things going in my car. Ingrid was a little distraught that nearly everything comfortable was gone. She made herself a bed out of a pile of clothes on the floor. 

Not very thrilled with all the changes.

Our last night at was spent on an air mattress. Davis and I shared our excitement, plans, fears, and joys for the past and future. Despite being uneasy and anxious, I slept quite well. The morning came quickly. Davis left to pick up our moving and travel friend, Eric. While he was out, I threw our last items into the vehicles and made sure everything was clean. Our sweet downstairs neighbors cooked us breakfast and we had an 818 family meal for the last time.

Oh Charlie.

We said "see you later" because we are planning on going to Dinosaur National Monument with them in May. Plus, it is easier to say than "goodbye".

So many wonderful memories.

Super pumped to get going. We didn't shower until AFTER unpacking in UT.

Next stop, UTAH! Never did we ever imagine we'd be living in Utah. It wasn't quit the next stop, it seems these moving trucks guzzle that gas up. We stopped twice in Wyoming.

Wacky Wyoming weather

Except for a brief but crazy snow storm around Laramie, it wasn't too bad of a trip. We pulled into our new place around 4pm. But more on all that later...






ps. this is  Coco

 

You're already home where you feel love

 Homemade deliciousness by Libby at our goodbye party last weekend. We are loved.

If The Head and the Heart are right by saying "you're already home where you feel love" then we have never been homeless. All our lives, Davis and I have been so blessed to be loved so well by so many.  So blessed to share in life with many amazing people. We know the God who has provided so infinitely more than we can imagine, will continue to be with us and love us in Salt Lake City. Change is hard. Leaving and losing loved ones surely is hard. One day we will go to our final home with Him and all will be made right. No more goodbyes. We are so thankful for this truth.

Goodbye! Took this at the end in a hurry, one of the last folks to leave.

Sunday we said goodbye to our church family at Grace. Church for us is our main community. We made most of our friends here, our Colorado Family. We have a common love and purpose. It's beautiful. So beautiful. People try to foster this depth of community by other or similar means but really are missing the underlying glorious truth. This is a super fascinating write up about an Atheistic Church in England: My Sunday at an Atheistic Church by some other blogger, trying to foster community. (I borrowed this from a friend, who borrowed it from a friend and so on....)

Anyways,  I am trying so hard to not cry at all of these goodbyes. I am so good at crying when people say nice things, try to be comforting, and/or cry around me. Crying feels so vulnerable. I don't like feeling vulnerable plus I feel like I've lost control of myself. Eww. I try to avoid it. It's pretty challenging for me. For instance, once in PE I got hit in the head with a volleyball and turned into bucket-o-tears simply because someone asked me if I was okay. Definitely out of place for a girl who played basketball and has multiple siblings.  BUT, I made it through church and everything with just wet eyes. WINNING.

Not winning. This will prove terrible, I will explode sooner or later at the most inopportune time. I told this to the ladies at last small group last night. Woke up this morning to a very encouraging email from Lois. She sweetly reminded me to process and not to stuff it away. Also, to keep tissues nearby as we drive away Friday morning so my sleeve will not be a snotty damp mess. My plan was to totally ignore my emotions best I can manage. Instead, I need to process life. It's okay to have and experience sadness. I just can't ignore uncomfortable emotions and hope they go away. All of life is an on going process of processing. I am thankful to have true hope as frame of reference with which to process. Writing this helps me process. So, thank you.


Let's discuss something lighter now that doesn't need processing (had to throw another process in there, I think I've used my lifetime quota today).

 Really?Really? (lame screenshot apologies)

At 11 am today, I walked Ingrid in half pants (knee length yoga pants) and a tank top. Ingrid jumped in the ponds again. It was about 65 degrees at some point. Beautiful and warm. Now? It's snowing. We are supposed to get an April blizzard. What the what!? Colorado weather is bananas.

In conclusion, a couple goodies from Fort Collins.

Secure your kegs. 

Precious but bad taste.

Sweet dreams.

ps. no davis to proofread tonight...